This Fall on FOX ...

Ed. note: The following post is scripted as a commercial. And, if you're offended in any way, please get over it. Thank you.

(fade-in: quick clips of raging fires, wars, hurricanes, George W. Bush, Wall Street, Famine, etc. Menacing music playing softly...)

Announcer (voice-over):

In a world gone wrong.
In a time with little hope.
Where do we go?
And to whom do we turn?

(Cut to the FOX logo with "Coming this fall" scrolled beneith...)

Announcer (voice-over):

Coming this fall to FOX...

(Cut to an aerial shot of a Malibu mansion on the side of a hill. Music changes from menacing to slightly more light-hearted...)

Announcer (voice-over):

In a Malibu mansion...

(Cut to a shot of a long white stretch limo driving up a winding driveway towards the camera...)

Announcer (voice-over):

One man will hold the answers

(Cut to close-up of rear door of limo being opened up by a driver. A sandled foot steps out onto the gravel driveway...)

Announcer (voice-over):

One man will change the world...

(Camera pans from sandled feet standing on driveway upwards, slowly revealing a white flowing robe, a thick twine of rope tied loosely around the waist, long slender fingers intertwined together infront of the man's chest. The camera raises further as the music builds to a beautiful harmonic pitch. A face is revealed, bearded and long, eyes looking towards the sky. The sun shines down from behind the man, giving a halo of light around his head...)

Announcer (voice-over):

The son of God...

(Screen shows shots of people emerging from cars pulling up infront of the house. Twelve people in twelve different cars, young and old, black and white, men and women. As the announcer speaks, the people line up side by side facing the front of the mansion. Nervous smiles and looks of amazement are shown across all of their faces as they wonder what they are about to take part in...)

Announcer (voice-over):

These twelve men and women were chosen from thousands of entries across the globe. They will live in this oppulant mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean. And they will tested on their will power and, more importantly, their faith...

(Screen shows screen shots of other names of shows...)

Announcer (voice-over):

From the combined creators of The Bachelor, Joe Millionaire, The Surreal Life and every one of Flava-Flave's shows comes the ultimate reality show. A show that will test the limits of human compassion to win the ultimate prize...

(Screen shows the large double doors to the mansion slowly opening up and stunned gasps from the contestants as they see who walks across the threshold. Camera shows close-up of sandled foot stepping out onto the marble step as the name of the show spirals onto the screen...)

Announcer (voice-over):

The Rapture...

(Screen shows reactions from the contestants...)

(1st Woman):

Sweet Jesus.

(2nd Woman):

Oh my God.

(man):

Holy *beep*

(Jesus looks down from the steps, arms raised outward, smiling)

(Jesus):

Welcome one and all to my home...

(announcer):

These contestants will be fighting for their very souls and the winner will receive eternal bliss at God's side.

(screen shots of contestants taking part in chosen battles: following special written instructions to turn water into wine, building a fan to part the waters of the backyard swimming pool, revealing their deepest sins in the confessional booth.)

(Shot of woman contestant in the confessional booth. Floating crosses of assorted sizes and styles floating in the background behind her)

(Woman contestant):

I'm a born again Christian. My entire life is devoted to serving Christ.

(Shot of same woman in the kitchen of the mansion slamming a frying pan down on the countertop. Other contestants stand around looking in her direction, obvious signs of arguing permiate the room.)

(Same woman contestant):

Don't *beep* with me people or I will slice you up, fry you and serve you to the homeless!!

(Shot of same woman contestant back in confessional booth, looking into the camera and smiling.)

(Woman Contestant):

I am very into my volunteerism and charities.

(Multiple shots of contestants in different forms of challenges.)

(Announcer):

Each week is a different challenge and each week a contestant must be banished from the mansion until only one remains...

(Shot of Jesus holding a wafer.)

(Jesus):

This is my body. Will you eat me?

(Shot of each contestant as the announcer speaks each word)

(Announcer):

Who.....will....be....saved....

(Shot of Jesus)

(Jesus):

You are banished from this house...

(Shot of male contestant in the confessional booth)

(Male contestant):

There ain't no way I'm spending 7 years during The Tribulation without taking some of these bitches down with me.

(Aerial Shot of mansion)

(Announcer):

This fall on fox... The Rapture...

(Shot of FOX logo)

(Announcer):

Save the date...

(Fade to black)

Reality at its Un-reality-est ...

John and Kate Plus 8 is something, like so many other reality shows on cable, I unknowingly get sucked in to when flipping through cable channels on a rainy afternoon. But there's something about this show that infuriates me.

In a time of financial uncertainty of many Americans, the Discovery Channel has the balls to continue to air (and worse pay for) the life of a family of twins and sextuplets and the trials and tribulations the parents have in raising them. I have seen an episode where the mother travels to New York to receive lypo-suction for free from a doctor who's wife had seen the show and the husband has received hairplugs...both for free. I have seen an episode where the family traveled to Sesame Place, a children's amusement park north of Philadelphia and had received special treatment including free rides and visits with the muppet characters, all private and away from the general public.

In interview segments of the show, the couple talks about the difficulties of raising 8 children, yet in these segments you don't hear a sound coming from any of these children. Are these interviews held in the middle of the night or is there someone (a nanny no one is supposed to see or members of The Discovery Channel team) watching the children off-camera?

They (reality-TV producers) are stuck making these shows to save money on actors/sets and other expenses that go in to making scripted television and yet they still call it reality?

Now I hear there's a new family on the reality-tv couch; a family of 19.

How much money are they being paid to talk about their hardships?

How many free gifts will they receive?

Reality TV is becoming the best job to have in this millenium...

A Big Gamble for Center City ...

After more than two years battling neighboring homeowners in South Philly over the proposed gambling complex on the Delaware waterfront, Foxwood Resort has its eye on Center City, more specifically Market East and even more specifically The Gallery at Market East. A shopping mall developed and built in the mid-70's, The Gallery at Market East is a white slab of cement taking up four city blocks on the northern end of Market Street. It was designed to help boost a sagging retail area of Center City, connecting the downtown to the surrounding suburbs via a new underground regional rail station. And it helped...at least in the beginning.

But, as with many other major projects of the time, little to no thought went into the project beyond its immediate goal: to get people to shop within its fortress-like walls. The exterior, instead of being planned with the surrounding streets and buisnesses in mind, was designed similarly to those shopping malls that grew from the once rural farmlands in the far reaching suburbs of Montgomery, Chester and Bucks Counties; no friendly or welcoming exterior, but rather windowless white walls that rose four stories above the sidewalk. The only thing different between this mall and its suburban counterparts was its lack of a 30 acre asphalt parking lot surrounding the structure.

The interior, although large and somewhat airy (in parts), is a maze of steps and escalators forcing you to travel from one level to another. There are also two parts of the mall that you have to exit the building and cross the street to continue on your journey. On some levels, you cannot even get from one end of the mall to the other without having to go through the K-Mart that slices the complex in half like a magician's stainless steel blade through his assistant. The main entrance to the mall, on Market Street, goes from street level to below ground and then back up to street level again once you're inside, as if the glass canapy making up the main entrance had sunk several feet during construction and was left that way.

The lower level of the mall (that actually does travel the entire length of the building) is where you can find the food court and portable kiosks under the low claustrophobic ceiling of glass orb lights that went out of style around the same time Billy Beer was being removed from store supermarket shelves in the South. It is also where you connect to the suburbs via the regional rail lines or the Martket Frankford Line. But getting to the subway at times, can be a lonely trek through desolate corridors of blacked out glass and unused kiosks. Market East Station (for regional rails) is a little more comfortable in its layout, but still feels more like walking through an airport than a shopping mall.

The shopping experience leaves alot to be desired as well in The Gallery, unless of course you had an urge to shop at a Payless Shoe store. These you can find almost as easily as a Starbucks. Although I was quite young when the mall first opened, I remember it being a more substantial destination that it is today. With Strawbridge and Clothier anchoring one end and Gimbles the opposite and John Wannamaker a block away (2 of the 3 were actually department stores founded in Philly), there was a higher end and more competative market within the cement walls of The Gallery. But, as with so many before them, the major department stores have gone out of buisness, either being bought out (Macy's is now in the John Wannamaker building) or closing their doors altogether with nothing to occupy its space (Strawbridge & Clothier). The current day major tenants of The Gallery are Super K-Mart and Burlington Coat Factory. The failing department stores that once thrived along this busy corridor of Market Street are a long ago thing of the past. Walking along this same strip of pavement you will now find discount sneaker stores, no name electronics, CVS, Rite-Aid and McDonolds. Clerks stand in doorways shouting the specials going on inside while loud music from the mounted speakers above the entrance to the store punctures the air like a continuous sonic boom.

Inside the shopping mall, it's much the same: discount record stores, video game stores, sneaker stores, all piled up next to one another begging for your buisness. The forth floor of the mall, an area that is pretty difficult to get to in the first place, is all but completely barren of buisness, showing instead darkened window after darkened window of failed dreams.

And now Foxwood wants a shot, turning at least part of the mall into a casino and possibly adding a hotel. Personally, I have mixed feelings on this new project. A casino complex in the heart of Center City can bring traffic problems this city has never seen before, in an area that is already very congested at times (the Pennsylvania Convention Center is right behind the mall). No matter how many ways the city and its transportation system can describe public transit vs. driving, people in this area don't really get it. Although not the best system in the world, you can travel from one part of the city to the other (and beyond) and leave your car at home. Most big venues in Philadelphia (the stadium complex, the historic district, Penn's Landing, the convention center) are all within a very short walking distance from public transportation, yet people (especially from the suburbs) insist on driving, then find themselves complaining about traffic and parking fees. A casino built right on top of a major transportation hub is a good idea but suburbanites will most likely still drive into the city and circle around each and every block seeking that perfect and closest parking spot.

Another reason this may not be such a good idea is the fact that Market East is not the most desirable section of the city to walk around, especially for a tourist. Although relatively safe, it is very intimidating walking among the homeless and protestors and religious prophets shouting from soapboxes.

Over the years, many plans were layed out on the drawing boards to improve Market East. Some worked, some didn't, some never even had a chance. Among the more successful: The Pennsylvania Convention Center, along with the expansion and renovations of the Reading Terminal Headhouse on Market Street. A Hard Rock Cafe is nestled in on the ground floor of the headhouse. The Marriott hotel was constructed at 12th and Market streets and the PSFS building (a historic landmark) was converted into a Lowes hotel. On the eastern edge of Market street, Independence Mall was completely replanned and construction of the Philadelphia Visitor's Center, the Liberty Bell Pavilion and the National Constitution Center brought tourism to the highest this city has ever seen. At 8th and Market, Disney was supposed to build some sort of entertainment complex, but that fell through in the '90's leaving behind a big hole in the ground that was only recently filled in and turned into a parking lot. South 13th Street, not too far from Market East was once home to adult bookstores and topless bars, but was recently renovated with new storefronts and loft apartments. Although the bookstores remain, they are more descretely hidden among the finer stores and restaraunts that line the street.

So what will Foxwood bring to the (gambling) table? It is rumored that they want to convert the Burlington Coat Factory into a slot parlor and maybe build a hotel ontop of the existing structure. It really doesn't matter how they go about it, so long as the decision to give the face of Market East a complete overhaul. The projects of the past all tried to jump start development along the retail corridor, but none acheived it. It is now up for grabs.

I have a couple of suggestions, should anyone care to listen:

First, the mall...

As I mentioned above, the mall is split in half by a Super K-mart. The thirty years this mall has been in existance has shown over and over that the space is too large for the stores occupying it and there is no reason to have so many empty storefronts scattered from floor to floor. My thoughts are to shrink the mall to the section between the K-Mart and the old Strawbridge & Clothier store. The remaining half (west of the K-Mart to the proposed Casino in the Burlington Coat Factory) can be converted into a large boutique style hotel, with all rooms facing the open air interior courtyard of the building. From the ground floor lobby looking up towards the large expanse of skylights in the roof, one would see four stories of balconies draped in hanging and flowering plantlife. The building is big enough to provide many rooms along with provisions such as a gym, spa, pool, conference rooms restaurants, etc.

Along the exterior on Market street, open up street level shopping and cafes with outdoor seating and spruce up the streetscape. The upper floors of the building (now encased in white cement panels) can be a challenge to conceal or look more attractive, but a suggestion might be to install an artifical facade, maybe something along the lines of a steel frame outline forming the older buildings that once occupied the space. This may give a more intimate feel to the shopping and dining at street level if the occupants were not looking up a blank wall rising above them.

The glass atrium (pictured above) should be removed and expanded into a more artful glass enclosure, possibly expanding through to the north side of the mall, visually connecting the neighborhood of Chinatown on the next block. This atrium/winter garden can even be transformed into a grand european style entrance to the Market East Station below ground.

Again, they are my own thoughts and suggestions, something that will be seen only be a few people. The important thing is that, if Foxwood is serious about turning an outdated shopping mall into a hotel/casino complex, there is alot to take into consideration and, like the so many plans before them, their thought process needs to seriously expand beyond the boundaries of a shopping mall and out into a street that is in need of developement; a street that expands 7 blocks of which they will be smack dab in the center.

My Thoughts in Haiku(s) ...

Sitting in my room...
Eyes adjusting to the screen...
Doing what I'm told...

Twenty lines a day...
A wrapped box depends on it...
Nothing comes to mind...

Lines should not relate...
But they tie in at the end...
What ties into this?

Dinner off the Square...
Drinks abundantly flowing...
Cosmos, beer and wine...

My head swims in fog...
It's way to early to write...
Long Island iced teas...

Banging down the street...
A house under construction...
Banging in my head...

C-Rex and a rat...
A cat in love with a toy...
Boom-chicka-bow-wow...

And there you have it...
Not the Most perfect haikus...
But twenty-four lines...