No More Mr. Niceguy...

I repeatedly get asked the same two questions:

* Why aren't you dating anyone?
* Why are you so bitter?

Well, here's a brief history that may answer both questions.

I met my first lover at a fairly early age. I was 21 and Don was 24. We were together for five torturous years. In those five years, I had given up all of my friends with whom I've grown into adulthood and was forced into a lifestyle to which I had no desire. It wasn't a lifestyle that was evil or law-breaking, but it was a lifestyle of heavy-metal concerts and alot of drug use. I had to learn to like his friends as well as gradually allow my own to fade away. I can only assume that his background in dating was a nightmare in of itself because he always warned me that, if i ever cheated, he would find out. I come from a family who's values of commitment still mean something and, in any serious relationship I've been in, I have never cheated, no matter how bad a time I was having.

In any event, for five years I was kept on a very short rope and little did I know (it would all come out for several years after our ugly break-up) that he was going out after I would drop him off at his house. He would cruise the strip and pick up hitchhikers. For five years I was naive, but faithful, and for about three years after our breakup, I was still coming across people who've slept with him during the time we were together.

I didn't date for sometime after that, but I decided that, since I missed out in my early years, I was going to have some fun. I avoided all the bars my ex went to and started hanging at the 247 bar (unfortunately no longer in existence). And fun I had. But then I started to get lonely again.

One night, while being dragged to a club to which I had no desire of going, I met a man who looked to be right out of a magazine. Older, handsome, built, shaved head, deep voice... I was already self-conscious of myself. Don made sure of shattering my ego and self-esteem, making me question everything about myself. So, although I was enthralled by this guy, I kept my distance and just stood against a far wall, sipping my beer and staring. Then he came up to me. I found out (let's call him 'Bob') was on vacation from Florida and was up here for a few weeks. What I thought would only be a one-night stand had turned into a long distance relationship for more than a year. Again, even from 1,000 miles away, I was faithful. He claimed to be too, and stupid me, I believed him. But at least we departed good friends.

About eight months after things fizzled with "Bob", I met Mark on-line and we dated for a few months. He was a great guy, very caring and affectionate. Very handsome with salt-n-pepper hair, warm smile and beautiful eyes. He was too good to be true. He was interested in what I had to say or do and was always looking out for my best intersests. But five years of agony with Don and a year with someone with whom phone sex was the majority of the relationship, had already set itself deep within me. I was suspicious.

Why was this guy so into me?

What does he see in me?

What is the hidden agenda?

I dumped him.

Mark has sinced moved to North Carolina and, as far as I know, is still happily married to the guy he met a few months after I broke up with him. That was about 5 years ago.

Another guy I dated a few times I became really good friends with. Although dating was out of the question, I still opened my heart to him as a friend and, when he lost his job and was being evicted from his apartment, when all of his bank accounts and credit cards were cancelled and closed, when he was on the verge of becoming another statistic living on the street, I took him in and gave him a place to live--rent free--for as long as he wanted. I tried getting him a job with my old company, I bought the food, paid the utilities and everything else that went into taking care of someone. He had helped me out also, by rewriting my resume and cooking and sometimes cleaning. For five months he lived rent free while he searched for a job. I felt our friendship was strong and we spent alot of time together and laughed and played and just really enjoyed each other's company.

Then he found a job...a good paying job.

And for the next year, while he rebuilt his credit, he slowly eased me out of his life. The things we used to do together, he now did with new friends (he now had money, so he could afford to go out to the bars again).

Things for me, however, grew worse. I had a new commission based sales job and in that year where he was getting his life together, mine was getting worse. Sales were down and I wasn't bringing in nearly as much money as I was a year before. And then, in December of '02, he dropped the bomb on me and announced that he found a place and was moving out at the end of the month. Knowing full-well that money had become extremely tight for me, he gave me absolutely no warning that he was even looking for a place, let alone found one and was moving in 3 weeks. I was making a little more than 1/2 of what I had made the previous year and now, all of a sudden, all my utilities would be doubling on me without the help of my friend.

Again...call me stupid... Little did I know that I would soon learn from others that this guy had always used people in such a way...

By January of '03 I was at my wits end. Depression had set in. I had quickly and heavily gotten into drugs again. My job sucked. I was alone and I was lonely. I put on a smile whenever I went out to The Post and pound back the beers. But I would come home alone and several times, lie awake in my bedroom and think the deepest, darkest thoughts imaginable. I wanted to take the coward's way out, but was too much a coward to do anything.

But then something happened...

One day, while cruising the net, I got an instant message from someone I haven't spoken to in about 4 years. The guy from Floriday. My long distance boyfriend. Little did I know that he had moved back up to Philly the year before and wanted to reconnect. I didn't think much of it (I wasn't thinking much of anything at the time), but I agreed to swing by the bar he was working in some night soon. When I finally did, just like the first time I saw him several years before, his eyes lit up the second he saw me. I knew I looked like shit from the drugs and not eating, but that didn't matter at that moment. It was the strangest thing. It was as if the four year gap had never occurred. Instantly, the friendship started to grow. He had moved back north to be close to his current boyfriend (who had dumped him soon after moving) and to be closer to his family (9/11 had done that to alot of people). We spent alot of time together and, when the blizzard of '03 hit on his birthday, we spent the day walking the city and taking in the sites and having an incredible dinner in a small restaurant where it was only us and the owners who were able to make it out.

For about a year, he lived with his best straight friend in New Jersey, but things were getting alittle strained in that household and 'Bob' was (although asked kindly) being kicked out. He had been searching for a house to buy in Center City, but couldn't really make any purchases until his house in Florida was sold. Things for me, financially, were still crap, so I decided to let him move in while he sold his house in Florida and searched for something up here. Besides, things seemed to be getting alittle more serious between us. Even one of 'Bob's' friends said repeatedly that he wanted an invitation to the wedding.

At one point, he went back down to Florida under the direction of his realtor to do some renovations. Before leaving, he finally told me that he loved me. Let me tell you, I was surprised by that, but even more surprised when, a few days later, I called him in Florida and some strange guy answered the phone. 'Bob' tried to tell me it was 'just a friend helping him paint' and I tried to believe him, but immediately upon his return, things were different. He became more distant. The invitations to meet him after work suddenly stopped. The closed bedroom door while he was on the computer episodes started happening. Whenever I confronted him about these things he would get defensive and tell me there's nothing going on.

I stepped back and let him have his way. A few times, after a couple drinks, his old self would resurface and he'd get all affectionate and say the things he used to say. But then, the next day, it was cold shoulder. Over the next year (between the time he made the trip to Florida, sold that house and purchased a house up here in Philly) I had caught him in one lie after another after another, but kept my mouth shut about most of them.

Again...call me stupid. I shoulda kicked him out a long time ago, but there was always a small part of me that hoped things would be different...

But things were quite the same actually. At least the same as any other relationship in my life. You can't even really call this last year and a half a relationship but, since I had these wishful dreams in my head, I was completely celebate, waiting and hoping this would turn into something more serious. Although, whenever the subject would come up, he'd call me a liar to my face when I would tell him I haven't 'hooked up' with anyone since the two of us had reconnected a year and a half earlier. I knew more than assumed it was only another defense mechanism for him. I knew that he was dating/trying to date/or at least sleeping with his realtor (for one).

Bottom line of this whole story of 'Bob's' return: once again, I've opened my heart and house to someone I cared for only to be shit upon when things start turning around for them. 'Bob' has tried on a few occasions to remain friends, but he's so caught up in his web of lies, trying to keep his "other life" private, even after I've told him repeatedly that I'm no longer interested in him romatically. I'm too tired to have to fight my way through the bullshit stories of his. It's gotten to the point where I can't even tell when he's telling the truth or not.

It's just one more bitter nail to bite down on...

So, 'Bob's' moving out of my house was nearly a year ago. He came back into my life in January of '03. It is now May of '05. That means, up until last month, it had been more than 2 years of celebacy (outside of a few bj's--very few). Talk about lonely...

And then it happened... I actually hooked up! I'm not going into any great detail about this guy. It's not worth it at this point. He's already spoken for. We were drunk. We had a good time. I thought we could remain friends, but for some reason he's avoiding me like the plague. He's blown me off a few times and doesn't answer his phone whenever I call. At some times, it almost feels like I'm calling too much but then, when I look back at my cell phone records, I realize that I'm not really. Besides, on those few times when I've called him repeatedly, it was to try and get an answer about plans that he tried making with me.

It's just so fucking frustrating!!!!!

I'm over it. I'm just going to sit at the bar and drink, become one of the many bitter old men who sit in that dark hole filled with stale cigarette smoke. I've had it with the whole relationship/dating thing.

No more Mr. Niceguy!!!!!

(at least until the next one comes along...)