The Painter of Light or The Prince of Darkness...

Cult leaders come in all shapes and sizes, from religious fanatics to nutcases claiming that the world will end and all who will be saved will be whisked away in little silver serving dishes. There is always one thing in common no matter who the leader is and what their beliefs are. They prey on the weak-minded. And whether it's their knowledge of the Bible or their knowledge of the stars above, one thing's for sure: their knowledge is their power...and ultimately, their downfall.

Now, most people who think of cult leaders think of people who speak in tongues, people who gather their flock to a remote location and pray for the answers in the Final Days. Although many normal folk can see these leaders for who they really are, most cannot stop their rise to power before it's too late and before you know it, news stations around the country and around the world are reporting whole groups of people who've had their last sip of kool-ade or a deadly shoot-out on a Texas farm or even, in the middle of an upper class neighborhood, an unfamiliar stench in the middle of a hot summer's day brings the discovery of similarly dressed victims lying dead in bunkbeds, their heads covered and brand new white Rebok's donning their feet. My question for that last group is this: what the HELL can be found behind Comet Hale-Bop that you would need to spend your last days on earth at a Modell's Sporting Goods store???

Call me paranoid and full of conspiracy theories, but I believe there's a new cult leader in the making. One you would never suspect. One who preaches kindness and expresses his beliefs and kindness not through the words of a age-old book, but by the stroke of a paintbrush.

Yes, folks, I'm talking about the one.... the only....

(drumroll please...)

Thomas Kindade!!!

(stadium cheers and applause...)

(cue the old Superman series announcer)

"Yes, Thomas Kindade.... Once a mild mannered illustrator scraping pennies together in order to marry his childhood sweetheart, slowly rising above his peers to start his own publishing company, expanding his Christian beliefs through his paintings and and landing himself with the title of Most Collected Living Artist in the WOOOOORRRLLLLLLLD!!!!!" (sound trumpets...)

Sure, on the outside this seems like the story of an underdog....a Rocky Balboa of the Christian world, if you will. But let's break this rise to fame down for all it's truth. It's a man. It's a man with a mission: (As a devout Christian, Kinkade uses his gift as a vehicle to communicate and spread inherent life-affirming values.) It's a man with a mission who can spread his word to the masses (through QVC). It's a man with a mission who can spread his word to the masses and who's word has been heard!...

Only the public in general is too goddamn stupid to realize they've been taken in by yet another cult leader. Thomas Kinkade, The World's Most Collected Living Artist, has over 300 independently owned galleries throughout the United States and slowly spreading his "word" across the pond to Europe. Walking into one of these galleries is like walking into some little Smirf village. Wall upon wall hangs paintings of little thatch roofed cottages, their windows afire with the warm glow of welcoming light.

PFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!! Welcoming light my ass!!!

Garden scenes are ablaze with colors of blooming flowers as sunlight pours into the painting, dancing across the fields of grass or trails of cobblestone pathways....

BLECH!!!!! Make me PUKE!!!! This guy's got about as much diversity as Rainman.

But his word has been heard and the following he has created is enough to make Hitler and his SS retreat like a bunch of cockroaches thrown into the sudden sunlight that emits from one of Thom's paintings.

Just like the television evangelists, Thom has enveloped his power---errr---message around the most vulnerable group of people. A group who will grip onto any belief or listen to any figure who publicly displays their beliefs. As long as that belief brings peace of mind to their own weaknesses. I'm talking about none other than the Middle Class Bible Belt. From there, Thom's fame spread throughout the land with the ferocity of a Stephen King demon.

QVC picked up on this phenomenon and started selling Thom's paintings and gift product on the air, spreading the disease further across the land, reaching each and every household that had cable television.

Now, twenty years after he published his very first piece, Thomas Kinkade has a following that would have made the reverend Jim Jones think twice about mixing fruit juice and cyanide, had he known what lifting a simple paint brush and having a marketing plan would've done to boost his popularity.

Christ, Kinkade has even been invited to the White House by none other than good ole' boy George Dubya. Now there's a dynamic duo for you!!

Could Armageddon be too far behind?...

I think not...