It's the New Jan Brady ...

I recently made a commitment to myself to become a changed man by the time I'm 40 (December, '06). By that time, I want to become a non-smoker, I want to be a regular at the gym again, I want to have some meaning in my life and most of all, I don't want to become what I've seen in several other middle aged gay men...bitter. Even though my blog refers to me in that way, it's not a good feeling. I even set a gold ring to grab hold of at the end of my journey: a new tattoo. I already have one on my arm that I got on a dare when I was 18. It's nothing much, but it was probably the least satanic thing posted on the walls of the studio. I had never put much thought into it and I've wanted to get it covered for quite some time, but wanted something a little more meaningful to me.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I caught Limp Bizkit's remake of an old Who classic, Behind Blue Eyes, that I realized how bitter I've become. Listening to the words and the meaning behind them brought tears to my eyes as each line cut deeper and deeper into my heart. This song was me through and through, hiding all emotions, putting on a facade while being ripped apart on the inside. It was then that I realized I really needed to change my outlook to become on the inside the person I portray on the outside. I've been through test after test after test in life to the point where I didn't think I could deal with anything else thrown at me, but I survived...if only to become subjected to more tests. It shows me that I'm a survivor and, although I mentally feel weak alot of the time, I have an inner strength that carries me through to the next level. My astrological symbol is the centaur, in my opinion, probably the strongest astrological symbol there is. So, with all that being said, I've decided on the tattoo I will give myself for my 40th birthday; incorporating both the song and the sign, into one image that defines my past, present and future.

But there's alot to accomplish before that can happen. That's why it seemed like perfect timing when my friend, Michael, gave me this book by Julia Cameron. He told me it was a systematic way of conquering writer's block. I started it this morning and realized just in the introduction that it was so much more than that. This book may actually be a starting off point for the year long goal I set for myself. It's a book that, through several weeks of mental exercises, is meant to only clear your mind and bring out your creativity, but to also make you see yourself and your surroundings in a completely different light. It warns you in the first few pages that you'll be in for a roller coaster ride of emotions, but to fight through them and hold on. But even in the first few pages I've read, a certain quote stands out that I can't help but hold on to: Leap, and the net will appear...

With everything going through my head lately and my desire to become someone new and the fear of it being too late to change, that quote seemed to call out to me.

So, folks, wish me luck on my new self-improvement endeavor and hopefully, like Prince, I too can be referred to as The Blogger formally known as Bitterchris.